South Africanisms: Four Queue

Mzansi runs on many systems. Some digital. Some spiritual. But the strongest one is still the queue.

You can avoid a few with Sixty60. You can dodge others with an app.

But some lines are non-negotiable.

Home Affairs. Traffic Department. SARS.

Places where time seems to go slower than a Kwid on a steep hill. And every South African queue has the same four characters.

Always.

First: The Early Bird. Arrived at 6am for an office that opens at 8:30.

Emotionally hydrated. Bladder empty. Snacks packed like a hiking trip.

They stand with discipline. Feet planted. No unnecessary conversation.

They didn’t come to socialise. They came to succeed.

They look at late arrivals the way invigilators look at calculators during a Matric paper 2 exam.

Second: The Creeper. Believes the closer they stand to you, the faster the queue will move.

Every time the line moves one step, they move three centimetres into your spine.

You can feel their breathing. You know their deodorant brand. You know regret.

You step forward. They step into you. At this point, you’re no longer queueing.

You’re in a relationship.

Third: The Rusher. Their emergency is always louder than yours.

“Yoh! Guys, please, I have a meeting.” As if the rest of us are here for tourism.

They pace. They sigh.

They check their watch more often than a side dude checks his phone after getting an “I think I’m late” text.

Soon, they leave the line to “just ask something quickly” from security.

They never ask quickly.

They present a full TED Talk that lands them back in the same spot in the queue.

Fourth: The Briber. Calm. Unbothered. Spiritually connected.

Arrives one hour late. Greets one person by name.

Suddenly, there’s movement. A side door opens.

A nod happens. A handshake lasts slightly too long.

Next thing, they’re inside. Documents stamped.

Walking out.

We’re still outside.

Waiting for Aus’ Jerminah to come back from lunch, training, a system restart, and possibly retirement.

Queues in South Africa are not just lines; they are personality tests.

You don’t choose your position. Your character reveals it.