It all began the day Katlego became a father. His son arrived into the world screaming like Julius at an EFF rally. As a first-time parent, Katlego was on high alert. Every sneeze, hiccup, or cry from Junior sent him spiralling into a Google rabbit hole. Was it colic? An allergic reaction? A spiritual calling? Katlego didn’t know, but one thing was certain—everyone else around him did.
At the petrol station one day, Katlego stopped to fill up. The attendant leaned into the window and spotted the car seat in the back.
“Eh, baba, is this your first one?” the attendant asked with a knowing smile.
“Yeah,” Katlego replied, puffing up with pride.
“I’m telling you, when the baby cries at night, just rub a bit of Lennon’s ‘Harlemensies’ on the chest. Works like magic.”
“Uh… thanks?” Katlego mumbled, wondering why this guy was a petroleum engineer and not a paediatrician.
The advice didn’t stop there. At the supermarket, the cashier noticed Junior wiggling in his carrier.
“Shame, he’s teething!” she announced as if she had a medical degree. “You must put a clean chicken bone in the freezer and let him chew on it. My kids loved it!”
“Chicken bone?” Katlego repeated, horrified.
“Yes, and don’t forget gripe water. Babies drink it like it’s Oros!”
By the time Katlego got home, his head was spinning with advice. His wife didn’t make it easier either. “My mom says we need to burn imphepho in the house. It chases away bad spirits,” she said, lighting the herbs like she was summoning ancestors and not just calming a fussy baby.
The next day, things took an even stranger turn. Junior’s creche teacher called Katlego during lunch.
“Hello, Daddy,” the teacher began sweetly.
Katlego choked on his kota, thinking “Who’s your daddy?”
“It’s Teacher Thembi from Smiley Kids,” she clarified.
“Oh, right,” Katlego said, relieved. But this wasn’t the end of the weirdness.
“Junior’s been crying a lot today,” Thembi said. “Have you tried Muthi Wenyoni?”
“Muthi what?” Katlego asked, panicking.
“It’s for babies’ stomachs. Just a little on his tongue, and voila! Also, Daddy, please pack extra nappies tomorrow.”
This “Daddy” thing was going to take some getting used to.
Later that week, Katlego was at his wit’s end. Junior was crying nonstop, his wife’s mother insisted they put a silver coin in his sock for good luck, and Katlego’s neighbour knocked on their door with a bottle of mysterious brown liquid.
“What is that?” Katlego asked, eyeing the bottle suspiciously.
“It’s my special baby remedy—rooibos tea with a splash of brandy. My mother used it on all of us,” the neighbour said proudly.
At this rate, junior was going to be screaming “Woza! Woza!”, helping cars park for R5 coins to buy zol by the age of 5.
Finally, Katlego decided to take matters into his own hands. One night, after Junior refused to sleep despite all the muthi, gripe water, and Lennon’s solutions, Kabelo turned to what he knew best—Kideo.
He plopped Junior in front of the TV and played reruns of the iconic 90s kids’ show. By the time Mr. Chinwag was explaining the alphabet, Junior was transfixed, gurgling happily.
When wifey walked in, she gasped. “You’re letting him watch TV?”
“Don’t judge me!” Katlego said defensively. “I survived on Kideo and Takalani Sesame. Look at me—I’m fine! No Cocolmelon formed against us shall prosper.”
By the time Junior turned one, Katlego was a pro. He carried a mini Dischem pharmacy in the diaper bag, could recite every jingle from Cocomelon, and didn’t flinch when the creche teachers called him “Daddy.”
But as he put Junior to bed one night, Kabelo chuckled. Parenting was wild, but one thing was clear: it took a village to raise a child. But that village gives more parenting advice than an audience member on Ricki Lake.
[The End]
Welcome to South Africa – Jou Ma Se Boek
Welcome to South Africa – Jou Ma se Boek includes an A4 book, with an enamel cup, packaged in a premium box. It’s a coffee table book that details the extraordinary life of an ordinary South African. Personal deliveries (JHB, PTA, Midrand) will include the shopping bag.
326 in stock (can be backordered)
