It was a crisp Saturday morning in Ga-Rankuwa, and the Thulare family had gathered in their best suits and traditional attire to represent their son, Katlego, at the lobola negotiations. You could see his crisp haircut was fresh out of Legends Barber. Spirits were high, and so was Uncle Jabulani, who’d been “warming up” with a bottle of Savanna Neat since sunrise.
“This is a big day, neh?” Uncle Jabulani declared, swaying slightly as he adjusted his tie—which he wore with a T-shirt that read “Mojolo – An African Pandemic”.
But the real wildcard wasn’t Uncle Jabulani—it was Cousin Sbu. Sbu was a hustler of epic proportions. A jack-of-all-trades and master of none, he had dabbled in everything from Avon to Herbal Life, and most recently, he had become a Jehovah’s Witness. Nobody had invited him, but Sbu had a habit of showing up where the action was. He always had more fire in his eyes.
The negotiations were off to a smooth start. The Thulare family was seated on one side of the yard, the bride’s family on the other. Traditional beer (Sqo) was poured, and polite introductions were made. Katlego’s father was about to open the proceedings when Sbu burst into the yard, wearing a suit two sizes too big and carrying three bulging bags.
“Sorry, I’m late, gents!” Sbu announced, loudly enough for the neighbours to hear. “I had to pick up some… essentials.”
Uncle Jabulani groaned. “What’s this clown doing here?”
Ignoring him, Sbu set his bags down and started unpacking. “Avon catalogues, Herbal Life shakes, and Watchtower magazines—today’s specials! Don’t worry, I’ll get to you all after the negotiations.”
Katlego shot his cousin a death glare. “Sbu, what are you doing? This is not a stokvel meeting!”
“Relax, cuz! I’m just adding value to the occasion,” Sbu said with a wink.
Katlego’s father began with the formalities, thanking the bride’s family for hosting them and praising their daughter’s virtues. Just as the negotiations were heating up over the number of cows, Sbu stood up dramatically.
“Speaking of value,” he said, interrupting the elders, “Have you ever considered a side hustle? With Avon, you can earn extra income while still raising a family!”
The bride’s father, clearly confused, asked, “Is this part of the negotiations?”
Sbu beamed. “Not officially, but imagine if your entire household switched to Herbal Life. Not only would you be healthier, but you’d also save on medical bills. Look at me—prime example!” He flexed his bicep, which barely moved.
Katlego’s father was livid. “Sbu1 Haai man, sit down! This is not about you!”
But Sbu wasn’t done. He pulled out a Watchtower magazine and handed it to the bride’s mother. “And, dimamzo, if you’re looking for spiritual growth, my church welcomes new members. No monthly fees, just blessings! And wena grootman, you look like a blesser vele. Avon yana?”
The bride’s family exchanged bewildered glances.
Uncle Jabulani, now three sheets to the wind, decided he’d had enough of Sbu’s antics. “Ah, this boy is always selling nonsense! Last year, he tried to sell me Herbal Life for my knees. Did my knees get better? No! I just lost R300! Three Klipa!”
The bride’s uncle chuckled. “At least he’s trying. What do you do, old man?”
Jabulani puffed up his chest. “I drink, I dance, and I tell the truth! Speaking of truth…” He leaned closer to the bride’s family, lowering his voice to a dramatic whisper. “Did you know Katlego failed matric twice? Eish, this family is hiding things!”
Katlego’s mother gasped. “Jabulani, keep quiet! You’re embarrassing us!”
But Jabulani was on a roll. “And Katlego’s first girlfriend? She left him because he spent all his money on Betway. Betway, can you imagine?”
The bride’s father raised an eyebrow. “This is… concerning.”
Meanwhile, Sbu seized the opportunity to approach the bride’s aunt, who was fanning herself in the corner. “Aunty, you look like a woman who loves quality skincare. Have you tried Avon’s anti-ageing cream? Guaranteed to make you look 10 years younger! You’ll be a puntsununu in 3 weeks. “In 7 weeks, a whole slay queen.”
The aunt giggled, but her husband glared at Sbu. “Focus, young man. This is not a flea market!”
The negotiations were now in complete disarray. Jabulani was leading a sing-along of “Jerusalema” with the bride’s cousins, Sbu was handing out free Herbal Life samples, and Katlego’s mother was threatening to disown both of them.
Katlego stood up, exasperated. “Enough! Sbu, pack your bags! Jabulani, sit down! Can we please focus on the lobola?”
Sbu sighed dramatically. “Fine, but don’t say I didn’t try to help. By the way, does anyone here need a loan? I know a guy…”
Somehow, after much yelling, haggling, and a few more rounds of traditional beer, the families reached an agreement. Katlego’s father handed over the agreed amount of money, and the bride’s family finally smiled.
As they were leaving, Sbu handed the bride’s father an Avon catalogue. “Just think about it, Baba. You could be the top seller in your area!”
Uncle Jabulani, now singing “Shosholoza” at full volume, waved goodbye to the bride’s family. “Welcome to the family! Don’t mind the chaos—it’s how we do things!”
The bride’s mother muttered, “What kind of family is this?”
As they drove home, Katlego sat in the back seat, head in hand, while Sbu counted his Avon orders and Uncle Jabulani dozed off, snoring loudly.
[The End]
Welcome to South Africa – Jou Ma Se Boek
Welcome to South Africa – Jou Ma se Boek includes an A4 book, with an enamel cup, packaged in a premium box. It’s a coffee table book that details the extraordinary life of an ordinary South African. Personal deliveries (JHB, PTA, Midrand) will include the shopping bag.
326 in stock (can be backordered)
