Katlego was a small-town boy from Polokwane who’d just moved to Johannesburg, the City of Gold—AKA the City of Gold Teeth. Or, less formally known as the city of “watch your pockets when you see a guy sporting Chuck Taylor sneakers, Dickies slacks, a slanted bucket hat and a gold tooth”.
His cousin Thabo, who’d lived in Jozi for years, had warned him, “Jozi isn’t for the faint-hearted. It’s a city where the meat doesn’t finish, only the man’s teeth finish” – directly translated, of course. “You need eyes in front, at the back, and even on your elbows, mfanaka! In fact, you need an extra eye on the back of your eyes.”
Katlego laughed it off. “How bad can it be? I’ll just keep my phone in my pocket and my head down.”
That was his first mistake.
On Katlego’s first day in the CBD, he decided to explore Small Street, the famous alley for bargain shopping. Thabo had also told him about China Mall and the Indian shops that sold “original” knock-offs. That’s a Jozi for you—a place where you can buy originally fake goods at a price that’s too good to be true, but also too true to be good..
He stepped out of the taxi on Bree Street, clutching his backpack tightly. He greeted the Taxi marshall, “Thobela!”. The marshall responded, “Please speak isiZulu. All other languages are banned here during operating hours.”
It wasn’t even two minutes before someone walked past, muttering, “Yoh, broer, nice phone!” Katlego froze. His phone wasn’t even visible. He instinctively patted his pocket to make sure it was still there. Rookie move.
A stranger nearby chuckled. “Eish, don’t touch your pocket, my guy. You’re showing them where the goods are!”
Katlego quickly moved his hand and mumbled, “Thanks, chief.”
But that wasn’t the end of it. As he made his way down Pritchard Street, someone bumped into him and kept walking like nothing happened. Katlego checked his pocket—empty! Panic set in until he realized he’d put his phone in his backpack. Crisis averted… for now.
At Small Street, Katlego was overwhelmed. It felt like the entire Asian continent was there, haggling, shouting, and weaving through the chaos. Vendors and Venda’s lined the street, selling everything from jeans to “branded” watches with spelling mistakes (“Rolleks” anyone?).
One man shouted, “Boss, come check! Original Gucci belt for R100!”
Katlego paused. “Gucci? For R100?”
“Ah, Boss, don’t waste time! Special for you. Yesterday it was R300, but I make nice price for you, my friend.”
Katlego wasn’t born yesterday, but the man’s enthusiasm had him second-guessing. Before he could respond, a woman nearby whispered, “Don’t buy from him. That belt will melt the moment it touches heat!”
As Katlego continued down the street, he noticed an argument brewing between two men near a shop. The shouting escalated to a full-blown shouting match, and a crowd began to form. Curious, Katlego slowed down to watch, but Thabo’s warning echoed in his head: “Distractions are traps, my guy!”
Sure enough, someone brushed past him—too close for comfort. Katlego whipped around to see a hand retreating from his backpack. He grabbed the culprit’s arm, and the man immediately shouted, “Ey, what’s your problem?”
Katlego blinked. What was my problem? The crowd turned to stare at him, and suddenly, he was the villain. Embarrassed, he let go. The man smirked and disappeared into the crowd, probably looking for his next target.
Tired and hungry, Katlego decided to grab some food at China Mall. He walked into an Indian shop selling samoosas, bunny chows, and what looked like half-priced Nikes. The shop owner greeted him warmly.
“Boss, try our special samoosa—R5 only. And for you, a discount on the bunny chow!”
Katlego ordered a bunny chow and a groovy, but the shopkeeper handed him a bag before he could eat.
“What’s this?” Katlego asked.
“A 5-pack of socks. You’ll need them. Joburg Streets will finish your shoes!” Trust Indian uncles to give unsolicited advice.
After lunch, Katlego decided it was time to head home. He was exhausted, his legs were aching, and he was pretty sure someone had tried to sell him a pair of Gold teeth earlier. He called an Uber from a “safe” spot—a fast-food joint with cameras.
Swoosh! He felt his phone disappear from his hands as he checked to see how far the Uber was.
At least the ordeal was caught on CCTV camera so the shop owners could share the clip on TikTok. Duh! That’s what CCTV footage is used for in Jozi. The cops are too busy certifying ID copies to worry about crime.
An awkward staredown ensued as the Uber arrived, but Katlego’s trust issues had elevated by 1000%. He finally gained the courage to enter the ride.
As they drove off, the driver asked for his wallet and bank PIN.
He realized that surviving Johannesburg was more than just a challenge—it was an art form. And, with each day, he’d have to become a master artist.
[The End]
Welcome to South Africa – Jou Ma Se Boek
Welcome to South Africa – Jou Ma se Boek includes an A4 book, with an enamel cup, packaged in a premium box. It’s a coffee table book that details the extraordinary life of an ordinary South African. Personal deliveries (JHB, PTA, Midrand) will include the shopping bag.
326 in stock (can be backordered)
